Dear Dr. Smith,
Salutations and congratulations are in order as to your recent acquittal. Surely the peasants have better things to do than castigate a man for simple mistakes. It’s not as though the pinkie finger is of use to those who cannot afford proper jewelry, so I assuredly don’t understand the vehemence. Fortunately of course the jury saw the suit for what it was and refused that ingrate maid of yours the cash grab she so desperately put forward. Please forward my commendation to your lawyer. Mr. Cardinal has certainly done his job in this instance.
Lately my friend I have been feeling philosophical. I read an article describing the fate of a dinosaur, a perfectly wondrous creature, who became sick with the flu and died a horrible death- assuredly unbefitting of a creature so noble in stature. It affected me, I must say. The things you might have done for such a creature, with your knowledge of the medicinal arts. Alas, I said to myself, all I know is the almighty dollar- and for all my skill in navigating the Carribean I could no more save this beast’s life than my own in a pinch. It wounded me, you must understand, absolutely wounded me. What could I do to rectify the situation? How could I, a modern man, learn to save the dinosaur? Was it necessary? I gather they have been on the decline for quite a number of years- so numerous a number, in fact, that my preliminary research indicated they might be beyond salvage!
My appetite whetted, and my quick suitably cut to, I had Moreno bring the Rolls around and set off immediately for the university. I maintain, as you well know, a number of friendships among the more reputable staff there and knew that I might receive an answer to my queries directly from the most learned men. We were on our way, having only been forced to stop at two red lights, when, rolling to a third, a man approached my window, holding out a filthy plastic cup! I know you are not a man of the world, your ivory towers of academia and medicine keeping you well above the modern fray but in my many travels on the ground streets of this once-great land I had never experienced a situation so fraught with tension. More matted hair I have never seen, believe you me, and when I rolled the window down to shoo the man such a cloud of stink entered the compartment as I would never have believed possible! I have ordered the upholstery replaced but I am not certain that the car itself is salvageable. Had I not been so shocked by the encounter I would have demanded the man’s information and charged him with recompense. Alas, my mind quailed under the assault upon its senses and the light changed. I never even found out what the man wanted!
At any rate, the light did turn and Moreno carried us forth into the sunlit afternoon. We eventually came to rest in the University roundabout and I flung myself from the vehicle in such an aggression of haste that I feared reprisal from several upstanding students near the legacy dorms. Fortunately they had more sense than to remark upon it. My way clear I maneuvered toward the paleontological department and spoke with some ruffianic young secretary named Josie for ten full minutes before she would permit my passage. Fear not, I intend to report her. Perhaps some time incarcerated might help her to see the error in her ways.
I turned a corner and found, to my great relief, that my friend Dr. Vanzadir was in fact still an office-holder. If that name sounds familiar to you you’ll perhaps recall a young scad two or three years below us in the academy who spent all his time jousting with the ladies of the year over the most proper way to address one’s correspondence d’amour. Well you’ll be pleased to note that he of course recalled our association and declared himself more than happy to answer any questions I might have as to the flora of the time.
Never in my life have I been so utterly embarrassed, obviously. It would seem I completely misread the doctoral invitation all those years ago and found myself now at the mercy, not of a paleontologist who might alleviate my concern for the undiagnosed but salvageable dinosaurs among us, but of an expert in plant matter! As though that might save anyone! Well as you’ll no doubt imagine I turned heel and made my excuses before shouting up Moreno and having him about-face back to the manse. We were not accosted on our return trip and I must tell you I feel very lucky having survived so dangerous a sojourn. I shan’t be making such an ill-planned venture again in the near future, I can tell you that.
In the meanwhile, dear friend, I wish you well on all your newest and most interesting. Tell me by return post what the happenings are around you, that we may commiserate or sing in joy together. I so miss your company, though it did vex me at times.
Sincerely, your friend,
Steven P. Zygamole,
Financier.
