Gasocorp bureaucracy is notoriously impressive. It’s been noted that executive turnover is the lowest for any company in all of recorded history, and due to the pride in stasis throughout the corporation at large the turnover rate continues to decline. It is theorized that at some point in the relatively near future the rate will swing so close to zero that the entire system of math behind aggregates will have to be recalibrated to account for the proper number of decimal places. The only recorded year in which there was more than one movement of an executive branch employee- whether up, down, in or out- was twenty-seven years ago, during what is known as The Great Purge. Six members of the Gasocorp Steelworkers Branch Efficiency Committee got drunk, stole a company car, and drove to a neighborhood convenience store. Before the episode was finally over a lawsuit had been filed, forty-five people were admitted to the Emergency Room with complaints about injured feelings, and one public indecency charge had been levied so spectacularly that several others were considered solely based on the revelation of its documentation. It is still disputed by the Despicable Six (as they were ever after known) upon whom the charge should have been levied, but consensus in the main came down to either Harold the Weird or Bambino the Engorged. Specifically, a contest was cited in which were heavily involved the dropping of a single pair of seersucker trousers and a great amount of laughter. The contest drew in a passing old lady who, scandalized, ran to the nearest police station. When her complaint was processed, six years later, post-mortem, the official in charge of the investigation couldn’t be bothered to remember the names of the individual perpetrators, as there was a wrestling match on Galactic Television, and so took the unprecedented step of having the suspects vomit on command until one of them could no longer do so. It fell to Bregon the Small to pay the twenty dollar fine and the Despicable Six were released. Those men retained their positions at a small, temporary reduction in pay. The same year Gasocorp was involved in a quiet discrimination lawsuit and promoted two women to secondary mid-level management in its Clothing Division (undergarment subdivision). It was lauded as a brilliant, forward thinking move by the company’s directors and a watershed moment in gender relations.
Into this formidable wasteland of flexible thinking, bearded, unshorn, and against all common sense, Gareth Will strode confidently forward. He pulled the still bedraggled James behind him. They stared forward into the abyss for three hours, waiting in the line formed outside a small office occupied by one harried and self-satisfied man in glasses which were far too wide for his face. Upon finally crossing the threshold he bounded forward in an effort to shake the official’s hand. The tiny man recoiled violently and Gareth remembered his manners.
“Apologies sir. Employee 29784-A6, Will, Gareth.”
“Ah, yes. Now I remember you A6. Should have remembered the handshake.”
“Won’t happen again sir, my word on it.”
“I am sure it will not. What can I do for you, A6?”
“Well, sir, I came across a new recruit. Figured I’d bring him by.”
“Excellent work A6. I am positively swamped, and it gives me great pleasure to announce to you that I shall not be able to process this request today.”
“I…ah…”
“Please return in four days. I will have just enough time to be irritated with you as you interrupt one of my breaks while attempting to give me this man’s information. At that point I will be quite upset but technically able to process him for a meal chit and uniform.”
“Well sir, I was, ah, hoping to get him processed today…”
The man burst out laughing with such force that Gareth was inclined to reach out and steady him. He didn’t, however, only now remembering his first meeting with the man, in which he’d accidentally brushed against him and been on the receiving end of a very aggressive haranguing about personal boundaries. He looked at James, who was still sulking, then returned his gaze to the Recruitment Officer- now beginning to cry and from the looks of things on a very dangerous road which clearly forked at “New Underwear”- and decided he’d made a mistake coming down the official path. Probably better to have gone to the fourth deck and spoken to the Black Market Envoy. But Gareth had a certain streak of legalism about him: he’d always respected law and order. The streak abandoned him now as he yanked James up by his still-damp collar.
“Of course yer right sir. Shoulda known better.”
The man nodded so vigorously that his glasses fell off, whereupon he instantly stopped, regained his composure, and settled his face back into its resting state of obvious harassment.
“Too right you should have. I have almost ten applications to process by the end of this week already. It’s going to be all I can do to make each of my breaks and still get these done improperly. They won’t be employees for a month at best! Wanting a man processed in a day, how ridiculous. Now, if you’ll excuse me: I have a lunch to take.”
The man stood and bowed hurriedly. Gareth lingered for a second, his right hand holding James up while the other fiddled with the hem of his coat. The little man bowed again, more deeply this time. Gareth suddenly realized that the official’s abruptness had been in earnest. Turning around in that particular room was awkward for a man his size, dragging a man James’ size, who while not as big as Gareth was still almost half-again the size of the man for whom the office was cramped by design… but he managed it. The instant they crossed the threshold he felt the wind of the door slamming, accompanied by a shout of “On break! Come back tomorrow!”
“Well, fella. Guess it’s the illegal way for you.” James only mumbled in response, but Gareth- despite having known the kid for just under a day- felt pretty sure that despite Gareth’s minor misgivings this was probably the way James preferred. They set off down the hallway toward the elevators and the fourth floor, only temporarily disturbing a family of six when James caught sight of another vista evidencing the infinite majesty of space and let out an angry bark.
